Richard, a sales executive, speaks to me across the screen from New York.

He’s exasperated.

“She’s always freaking out. I’m tired of it. She’s fucking crazy.”

Do you ever think your wife is crazy?

Richard did.

“I just want things to be OK, fluid. Every little thing becomes a big deal with her. Yesterday she freaked on me because I didn’t discipline our son when he didn’t do his homework.”

Does your wife make a big deal over seemingly little things?

“So, what’s the impact of her behavior on you?” I ask him.

“It jacks me up. I get crazy,” he says.

“So it’s your craziness, not hers, that’s the problem.”

I pause. He considers this.

“What’s the benefit to you out of getting all crazy when she gets crazy?” I say.

“What do you mean? I don’t understand.”

I clarify. With all behaviors, I believe there’s a payoff, even if it’s not apparent at first.

Richard has a blind spot. He doesn’t see his part in the dynamic.

Do you struggle to see your blind spots?

“Listen,” I say. “I trust that you get worked up for a reason. You get something out of it.”

He nods, listening.

“Is it possible that by getting crazy when she does, you get to make her OK? You get to be the hero?”

His eyes roll. He sighs.

Richard tells himself a story that it’s his job to keep his wife calm. He takes that on as his responsibility. And then when he fails, he dissolves into “She’s fuckin’ crazy” or “I don’t want to deal with this shit.”

Do you not want to deal with your wife’s shit?

If so, I’m going to give you a reframe here below that’s going to help you stop shooting yourself in the foot.

First, I want to tell you about another guy. I’ll call him Guy B. He’s on the opposite side of things.

He internalizes his wife’s freak outs. He takes it all on. Unlike Richard, he doesn’t deflect.

And when he bottoms out, he says to himself, “I’m not enough for her.”

Do you feel like you’re not enough for your wife?

If so, I’m curious what makes you think that you need to be enough for her?

What if you were enough for you and didn’t have to worry about being enough for her?

You wouldn’t take on her upsets. Wouldn’t that be great?

Now the thing is… Richard and Guy B have a thing in common. They pivot off their wife.

Both take on her energy. And they go to a place of feeling like it’s their fault when she’s upset.

Do you feel responsible for your wife’s upsets?

If you said yes, check out three key things I taught Richard to get free of making his wife’s upsets about him.

So the gist is this. Go for the long game.

When you deflect everything onto your wife, like Richard, you put yourself in a one-up position. And it can feel good in the short term, but it feels crappy in the long term.

On the flip side, Guy B thinks everything is his fault. And he puts himself in a one-down position. And that too can feel good for a moment, like you’re being a good guy, but it also sucks in the long term.

So instead of being one up or one down, stand side-by-side with her. And from there, you’ll be in a much better place to be a bold and confident you and give her what she really needs.

What does she really need?

She needs your strength and empathy. Not your false heroism or martyrdom.

When you stay calm, cool, and collected, you’ll be in a much stronger position to give her those things.

And you’ll get what you ultimately want. That’s for things to stay calm. And to be seen as a man of love, strength, and care.

What if you could be that man without taking on her moods or behavior?

Richard became that man, after several months of coaching. He stopped fixing and calmed down.

He began saying simple words to his wife like, “I see you’re upset. What do you need?”

And she began trusting him like never before. Crazy enough, his sex life also improved. Because she began to feel safe with him.

Richard went from “She’s fuckin’ crazy” to “I love my wife.”

Do you want to re-ignite your love for your wife?

If so, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Connect with a bunch of strong and resilient guys talking about this stuff fearlessly in my next Men’s Relationship Tools call this Tuesday at 12pm ET.

And for daily relationship tips and action items, join my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.