Withholds — it’s not a word often spoken between couples. And yet withholds are everywhere in relationship.

Maybe you don’t speak a hard truth to your partner. Or maybe you don’t ask for what you need. Or maybe you don’t put the work you want to into your primary relationship (i.e. look at yourself, repair conflict, etc)

These are withholds — places where you keep yourself (well) withheld — compressed, falsely safe, checked out. 

When you’re in a withhold with your partner, they feel it. Your energy is small, contracted, not present. You’re less trustworthy because your dishonesty is in the room between you and them.

You’ve hidden your authentic best self from your partner. The relationship cruises along status quo highway in a fizzle.

In a relational withhold, we hide from a part of ourselves that we don’t want to deal with, a part we fear being seen. Below are two parts of myself that I track constantly.  I also call them characters.

Sometimes, I write to them by hand. Yeah, I know, weird, huh?  Not so much. When they’re in front of you, they can’t hijack your relationship. 

• Do either of these characters — The Controller or Caretaker — live in you?
• If not, who does – The Fixer, Abdicator, Blamer, Martyr, Child… ?
• What’s the cost of these characters running your relationship? Your life?
• How do they cause you to withhold?

Please comment below. Thanks.

Blessings,
Stu

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