3 Tips For When Your Marriage Feels Like A Prison
When I first got married, I was very much in love with my wife.
I dreamed of our future. Wondered what our kids would look like. Thought about the life we’d create together.
I sought a home in my prior wife at the time. A psychological, emotional, and sexual home. A place I could rest and relax and not deal with dating or seeking women anymore.
Think back to when you first got married.
What were your ambitions when you got married?
Chances are you felt comfort in having a loyal and loving partner.
You felt a sense of a richer life with her. A sense of completion in her presence.
Maybe you felt a sense of comfort knowing she’d be there for you. A sense of a safe, stable, loving person to come home to.
Often when we get married, we have great ambitions for a rich life together.
We think about what kind of home we’ll create together one day, what our kids we will look like. So much possibility and excitement.
What was alive for you when you first got married?
Chances are it was many years ago. You were young. So much has changed and happened since then.
Maybe remembering your initial love is a painful reminder of how far you’ve drifted from one another.
In that hangover, it’s easy to beat yourself up about it. To heap self-judgement on what might feel like failure.
For most of us, many years after marriage, we have crashed into reality. Life passed us by. And we lost our partner to the busyness of the day to day of kids, work, and home.
And then what was once an aspiration for a beautiful loving home with her over time became a prison.
Does your marriage ever feel like a prison?
A place where you feel anything but free. You feel like a small version of yourself.
I was there too. My wife and I had lost each other in marriage. She had little or no time for me. I felt invisible. Sex was rare.
The same old patterns occurred, the same old arguments, and over time it seemed like nothing would change and I couldn’t escape.
What’s the point of being married? I thought. There’s no more joy in it, just a lot of misery.
How can you get back to the joy in your marriage?
First, you have to be willing to admit where you’re at. In the face of fear. Or in the face of self-judgement. Even in the face of perceived failure.
If you can’t name it, you can’t tame it. You can’t change it. You stay in prison.
Maybe you’re hiding the failure of your marriage from your parents, your kids, your community.
But what if you could get free again?
In the video below, I offer 3 tips from admission to self-responsibility to the third most crucial phase of action.
And what if your marriage was supposed to happen exactly as it has?
Imagine that you needed to get into this prison, in order to arouse your hunger for freedom.
The fierce thirst for a more open, honest, and loving relationship, like a man clawing his way to water in the desert.
A great thinker once said that a man must experience a period of non-freedom before he can value his freedom.
What if, in some crazy way, this prison you’re living in is a gateway to something bigger and more expansive than you could ever imagine?
Most men come to me, thinking our work is about saving or leaving their marriage. Ultimately, that’s the external manifestation of the work.
What they are really working on is how to awaken their ability to act courageously in the face of fear. To do so, in service to re-negotiating the contract of their marriage – be it to recreate it or end it.
And that is what helps a man get out of the prison of his marriage, to the freedom in relationship that he ultimately craves.
To say I’m responsible for what happens here and I’m responsible to make this situation better for everyone involved, even if it appears in moments that I am hurting the ones I love.
But most men falter here. They get stuck in a spiral of depression and inaction.
It’s only that rare breed of man who creates a paradise from a prison.
Are you ready to get out of the prison of your marriage?
If so, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Shoot me a quick email.
And if you’re uncertain of your next action, ask yourself…
- Are you that guy who struggles to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT in your relationship?
- Is it a challenge for you to GET THE RESPECT, LOVE, & SEX you seek from your partner?
- Do you want to GET PAST YOUR FEARS of her freak outs and BE BOLD AND CONFIDENT in the heat of conflict?
- Do you seek to be AN EMPOWERED MAN IN A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP with an empowered woman?
If this is you, stop the struggle and start the successes.
And check out my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items.
1 Comment
Donna Duncan
Her “freak outs”? You don’t respect women, and until you respect women, you should not give advice to anyone about anything. Women don’t “freak out”. They have legitimate requests that men choose to ignore (because they don’t respect women’s opinions). The latest example in my prison marriage. We adopted a bigger dog than out other two. Our dog door was too small and the big dog would not use it because he scraped his back on it when going through it. We were facing vet bills and an injured dog if this continued. I told my husband we needed a bigger dog door. Since he usually buys the pet food, I asked him to get a big dog door the next time he went to PetSmart. He did not. I asked several times. He did nothing. I went to the store and bought the big door. I put it in the hallway where he would see it every time he passed by it (I have to do things like this because he requires to be treated like a baby). I do not have carpentry skills, but he is a pretty good carpenter. I needed him to put in the dog door. This request was legitimate and necessary. I was not “freaking out.” At no time did I yell at him about the door. It was several days later, but one day when he had some time (because he was taking me to a doctor’s appointment which wasn’t until after noon) he did put in the door. He did a good job, and I praised him. I told him how much better off the dogs were going to be. I was happy to see the door and the good job he did. These maneuverings are what I had to devise to get a grown man, a businessman who is very admired at work, to do a very necessary job at his own home for his own dog. The reason he was so slow to accomplish the job, and the reason he would not buy the door is that he does not care about the health of the dog and mostly, because I, his wife, asked him to do it. He does not respect me because I am a woman and because I am his wife, the woman he swore to love, honor and respect until death does us part. And you do not respect women either, so hang up your banner and close shop. Read the Bible. Read Genesis. God says men are supposed to love their wives like God loves The Church. How does God love The Church? He respects it. He adores it. He wants it to prosper and be all it can be. He supports The Church and provides the church with what it needs to survive and thrive. If The Church asks Him for something, He provides it. He is always there for The Church 24/7. God doesn’t make excuses when The Church needs or wants something from Him. If The Church is going in the wrong direction, He applies sensible corrections to get it back on track, but He always does it lovingly and respectfully. Men are supposed to be towards their wives as God is towards The Church. Men are supposed to work by the sweat of their brow. God said nothing, not one thing, about women working outside of the home. He said they were to yearn for their husbands and have children in pain (which we do). He said the man was to be the the head of his household. If my husband were the head, he would care about the poor dog getting an injured back. I wouldn’t have to mention it more than once. He would care about the dog and appreciate that I asked him to get the door. Men do not want to be the head. It’s too much responsibility for them. So, filling the void that men leave, women step up and do the job that men have abandoned. They don’t obey their husbands because the men do not do the jobs required of a head of household. Actions speak louder than words – much louder. Let’s see men step up and be the heads. Let’s see them love their wives The Way that God loves The Church. Then and only then will everything change in these prison marriages. I do agree with you that marriage as we know it today is like a prison. I feel it too. Respectfully, Donna Duncan (my husband’s name). I gave mine up out of respect for him and for God’s Plan.