Below is an excerpt that did not make the final cut of my book “Fixing You Is Killing Me” which tells about my divorce, the time leading up to it, and how to face the journey of divorce and relationship ending in a way that incurs the least financial and emotional stress possible, with the best outcome for the kids and yes, even transformation, for both partners.  The book will be available on Amazon in June, 2018. See below to learn more.

SIX MONTHS AFTER I had moved out of my house, I continued to ponder if I had a future with my wife. Would we stay together or divorce? I knew I still loved her but I also knew the old version of our relationship was done.

I appreciated the distinction between I’m done with her versus I’m done with the old iteration of our relationship. The latter meant a new marital contract could still possibly be negotiated between us. It gave us the freedom to consider what we truly wanted.

We could explore what it meant to be apart and together still. We could unwind old patterns and reflect on who we sought to be in relationship. This is often where separation is quite healthy for a couple – the space, the time, and freedom to get to know one’s self again, after years of enmeshment.

We saw a couples’ therapist for a while. While after each session, we would typically feel more connected, we never solidified a foundation for a new way of being in relationship. The therapist, while great at helping us see one another in the moment was unable to help us create a clear direction for the path forward, whether it was stay together or divorce.  Like many couples I speak to, neither of us felt much faith in the couples therapy process.

After some time, my wife eventually said, “I can’t do this living apart anymore, I need you to move back in if you want to give it one last shot.”

After twenty odd years, I was willing to give it a last go and yet I also knew it was soon, that we had not fully disentangled as a couple yet. While there was an invigorating edge in our interaction (due to not knowing what our future would hold), I could still feel old threads creeping back into our dynamic. Anything she asked me to do remind me of prior interactions.

As such, I had my doubts that much would change. We had not fully reconfigured as healthy individuals. Still, I had taken the leap to move out.  I was willing to take the leap to move back in and see how things might be different.

The first few months back were lovely. We treated each other like royalty. We had awesome home-cooked meals and an active love life. We were enlivened, appreciating one another in a new way.

And then, slowly old patterns started creeping back in. Her health challenges arose again. I started feeling trapped.

For a while, I hung in there trying to be a good man. And then by spring, the voice came back – I’m done. I want out.  I sat with it for weeks until it was clear I had to get out again. I couldn’t live under the burden of her health.

And yet I feared betraying my teenage son, who I had promised that I would not move out again. How would I keep that promise?

Want to know what happens? Get a free copy of Fixing You Is Killing Me by signing up on my Book VIP list before mid June, 2018 at www.stuartmotola.com.