Philip, a high-earning financial consultant, taps his fingers on the small table next to him. I wonder how long he’ll last in this session.

His wife Tamara complains about how he is checked out. How he can’t even be with his family for 10 minutes without being on his phone.

Mincing no words, she says, “I feel like I’m in a relationship with a zombie.”

“Say more,” I say.

“You know, he’s checked out. Not really in the room.”

“Well, most of the time,” he interrupts. “I’m actually working to support your lifestyle.”

“Just a second, Philip. It’s not your turn.” I turn back to Tamara. “What are you wanting from him?”

“I want to grab him by the neck and say be with your family, put away your damn phone.”

No wonder he wants to do exactly what you don’t want him to do, I think.

“Well, Tamara, I’d say your behavior modification program is not working well.”

Tamara looks over at her husband with scorn. He returns the look.

“Philip, your turn. Do you hear what Tamara is asking of you?”

He looks off into space. I don’t even know if he’s heard me.

“Philip, are you here? You look like you’re somewhere else.”

“Damn right I’m somewhere else,” he says. “I always have to put up with this crap. God forbid she could be appreciative of all I do. And so what if I want to check out now and then.”

“It sounds like it’s more than now and then.” I pause.

“Philip, the only question that matters right now is this. And you better answer it or as far as I can tell, your marriage is over.”

I’ve caught his attention.

“Do you want be alone or do you want to be married?”

He laughs. “Can I have a little bit of both?”

I pause and allow the dead silence to percolate in the room. I look Philip in the eye.

“Philip, you spend 98% of your time alone. Alone in your head.”

“And your point?” he says.

“My point is your wife is very lonely. She’s dying for her husband.”

He scoffs.

“Are you interested in being married to her?

He pauses. He looks at Tamara with concern. All eyes are on him. He knows this is a make or break moment.

“Well, we’re waiting,” Tamara says.

“Not your turn, Tamara. Give him space,” I say.

Philip is caught in between two realities. One in which his wife is a raging bitch and the other in which he is desperately alone.

To cope, he does something many men do. He withdraws, retreats, and turns away from his wife and yes, even his sons.

It’s his simple way of staying safe from a woman, who he experiences as overbearing, when in truth her request is simple – to have a present husband.

But Philip’s is a false safety that actually makes him less safe, more alone, and more distant from his wife.

In the next moment, I see an opening. I teach him to use a simple 10 second tip to catch himself when he falls into these old patterns which, if continued, will destroy his marriage.

In the video below, check out what I taught him, which transformed his marriage; and if diligently practiced, will transform your marriage as well.

“So, how hard was that?” I say. “To ask yourself a simple question, in order to save your marriage.”

The question was – How can I turn towards her?

Simple but big, in that it required Philip to break decades of unconscious patterning, of abandoning his wife and instead turn towards her and engage with her.

“Hard. It requires me trusting that she’ll receive me.”

“And taking the risk that she won’t,” I say. “And knowing you’ll still be ok.”

He nods, humbled by his new power.

“Bravo, Philip. Good work. That’s called being relational and it’s good for you. It’s good for your wife and it’s good for your kids.”

“Well, there’s hope after all,” Tamara says.

“Great,” I say to her. “Now, when he does that, let him know he did something valuable for you. And when he doesn’t, don’t nag. Instead, help him. Help him help you get what you want. Say to him – Sweetie, can you please turn towards me?”

“I can do that,” she says.

She looks at Philip, reaches for his hand, and he receives it in his.

Are you wanting to transform your marriage or do the same old dance that has you where you are today?

For those men and women (that’s right, I am coaching women as well now) who are wanting to transform their marriage, let’s have a quick chat.

A quick chat is a guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to really understand what’s keeping you stuck from creating the marriage you seek.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two individuals keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And for the men who prefer a group setting with guys in similar struggles transforming their marriages, check out the Men’s Relationship School where I am helping men step into action to enhance sex, passion, trust, and confidence in their relationship. Reply “MRS Yes” to join your first call for free.