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A Powerful Man Doesn’t Take On His Wife’s Problems

May 21, 2021 by Stuart Motola

Your wife hates her boss. Or maybe she’s struggling to lose weight. Or she’s upset at your kid’s teacher for how they were treated.

She wants you to listen about what’s upsetting her. So you do it. You listen.

Maybe you’ve heard that you’re supposed to just listen and not fix her problem. Maybe you’ve even watched the “Nail in the Head” video*.

Still, a part of you is thinking, how long will she go on about this?

Have you ever thought…

Ok, honey, what do you want to do about this?

If so, you’re not alone. Many guys have this same thought. We’re dudes. That’s how it works. We fix stuff.

And as much as we may get dissed for wanting to fix stuff, it’s hard to watch someone you love suffer with a problem.

It’s our natural instinct as men to want to analyze, problem solve, and try to make things better.

And yet when that is met with resentment on your partner’s part, you can feel like you’re up against a wall.

Do you feel frustrated when your partner doesn’t hear your advice?

In over 15 years of working with guys, I’ve noticed a pattern with many men that results in one of two strategies.

First is to fix it. Offer advice or a solution. Try to be constructive.

And the second is to retreat or withdraw from the conversation.

Do you know what both of these strategies have in common as their ultimate goal?

It’s simply this – to make her problem go away.

What if you didn’t need to make her problem go away?

What if you didn’t take on her problem on as your burden?

I’ll tell you, what if. You’d be free. Yes, that’s what would happen.

Imagine that. Free to not take on her problems. Free to not have to retreat or rescue. Free to not have to make things go away.

So how do you do this? How do you get free?

You do it by standing side by side with her. Not above her as the fixer. And not below her as the retreater.

Stand side by side as her ally and teammate.

And here’s how you do it in 3 steps.

Remember IRR. I for impact. R for repeat. R for request.

#1. Notice the impact on you.

Notice how it feels hearing her problem and feeling like you can’t help her. Notice the self-judgement you may have.

Notice the feeling of failing her. Again, just notice. That’s your stuff, not hers.

Do you question your value or self-worth in that moment?

If so, put an end to that right now. You don’t need to do that. Your self-worth is way too precious to be hinged on fixing your partner’s problems. Doing otherwise is a form of codependence.

#2. Repeat what you heard her say.

Do it in a way known as active listening.

In active listening, you literally stop her at an appropriate moment and say let me repeat what you said to make sure I got it right. That helps you engage that fixer part of you without actually fixing.

This is much more powerful than the passive, I think I’m gonna kill myself if I have to listen to more of this type of listening.

And if it’s not clear what she needs from you. Ask her — What do you need? How can I help

#3 Make your request.

Once you’ve heard what she needs from you, make a request about how you’ll play your part.

Let’s say she asks you to call your kid’s teacher. You don’t just say yes and rescue her. You make your request.

And that can simply be, I want you to call Billy’s teacher since this is important to you. I’ll be on your team and help you how frame the conversation and if you’d like, let’s talk afterwards about how it went.

Keep the responsibility of the problem where it belongs, on her. Treat her like an empowered adult who can handle her stuff, instead of a child you need to rescue.

Do you REALLY want to stop taking on your partner’s problems?

If so, check out the video below for a much deeper dive into the 3 steps.