“Are you crazy? Ask her for sex?” my client Tom asked me. “She’ll freak out on me.”

I had just encouraged Tom to ask his wife for what he wanted from her. In his own words, that was sex. Simple enough.

“How is avoiding it serving you?” I said to him.

He thought about it.

Like many men I coach, Tom hid out from asking for what he wanted from his wife. It only made him feel invisible to her.

Do you ask your partner for what you want from her?

You see, most men avoid what they fear instead of going after what they want in relationship. And the fears often are many.

“She’s already super stressed with work and the kids. I can’t ask anything of her.”

“She already thinks all I want is sex from her.”

And so instead, a lot of guys do something else instead – complain.

“Dude, it’s been months since we had sex.”

“I’m trapped in a sexless marriage.”

Do you complain about your partner?

Complaints offer a man short term comfort but not much else.

I have a lot of compassion for this man. But I’m not compassionate to the part of him that wants to hide out.

With Tom, I sought to help him create what he wanted in his marriage. That’s why he hired me.

“Yes, I expect you to ask your wife for sex.”

The prospect of doing that terrified him. And yet he could talk for a long time about how he felt stuck and powerless to get the physical intimacy he desperately craved with his wife.

But like a lot of guys I see, Tom didn’t understand that the difference between complaining and acting is simply getting out of your comfort zone.

Are you willing to get out of your comfort zone to go after what you want in your relationship?

When I spoke to Tom about getting out of his comfort zone, he was honest.

“You’re right, I do like to hide out. And… it doesn’t serve me to fear rejection.”

“No, it doesn’t. And so instead, how can you use this as an opportunity to get closer to her? Create more connection with her?”

“That sounds great,” he said. “But how do I do that?”

Do you want to have more physical intimacy with your partner?

If yes, check out what I taught Tom in the video below.