Roger feared rocking the boat with his wife. His behaviors showed that. Maybe one of them apply to you as well.

It’s easier to just go along with whatever she wants than risk upsetting her.

When I speak up for what I want, it just causes problems. And so, I just say nothing.

I avoid what I fear with her instead of create what I want.

Are any of these behaviors yours?
 
Instead of being confident to say what was on his mind in a potentially tense exchange with his wife, Roger focused on how she would respond.

In his head, it went like this.

Will she accept what I say?
Will it piss her off if I don’t agree?
Will I lose sex for another week if I upset her?

And so, Roger would either hold his tongue or try to speak the perfect words to get his wife’s approval.

As his coach, I pointed out to him that he was trading his self-confidence for his wife’s approval.

Roger’s face fell flat when he realized this was true. He hadn’t realized this prior.

Reason #1 he didn’t realize this was because he had plenty of self-confidence at work and with friends. He was a six figure account executive. So he was shocked to learn self-confidence was an issue.

Reason #2 was that he didn’t know what self-confidence in relationship was. He’d never had it. And it’s impossible to know you’re missing something if you never had it.

Do you trade your self-confidence for your partner’s approval?

This is what I call playing small and hiding out. And while it offers a man short-term comfort in the moment, in the long term it shreds the fabric of his manhood.

And instead of feeling like a powerful relational man, he feels like a well-behaved little boy.

Roger felt like that with his wife. But what he did not know was how to fix it.

“Follow the path of resistance, you’ll get to the fix,” I said to him.

When I asked him what he was resisting, he knew it was asserting himself.

Like many men I work with, Roger mistook assertion for aggression. And so, he backed out of asserting himself with his wife.

What he didn’t know was that made him a wimp in his wife’s eyes and a lot less attractive.
 
How can you assert yourself without fear of being a jerk?

Check out the super-short video below for two tips Roger learned to assert himself and how he became a lot more attractive to his wife.

I often say to men I coach this.  Implement one critical behavioral change. Practice it over and over until you master it. And that will get you on the fast track to creating the relationship you want.

It’s all about action. Information only gets you so far. And coaching is about putting you into action.

Are you struggling to assert yourself in your relationship?

If so, end that struggle now. Shoot me a quick email and get the ball rolling. Roger did and never looked back.