Truth: Only with our partner do our shadows appear most ferociously and triggers fly off the handle, often like a tornado that blindsides us.

She said this… I said that and… hmmm… I don’t know what happened after that. Instead of checking out – a habit that descends over time into one day your partner being less interesting than your new clothes or Netflix cue- we should literally check in.

We lean into engaging our soul contract and ask ourselves: What is he or she trying to teach me? Seriously, imagine next time pausing and asking yourself this question. That alone will change everything.

When we ask this, we see, hear, and witness one another without judgement or self-defense, and look at ourselves. We hold the other’s truth even if we fear it crushing us.

So what happened? What got you triggered? She says you’re not emotionally present. Or she berates you for not separating the whites from the darks. Or he harps on you for leaving the milk out and spending too much money on groceries. He’s told you a thousand times. He’s never happy.

But what about you? What happens when you look at yourself? Do you check out? Say not my fault? Are you willing to go there? In the moment of a heated encounter, what’s really being asked of you? To look at yourself. How you reacted, how you participated.

As I said, it’s as simple as pausing and feeling what’s happening to you. Hmmm…. Wow, that stings… I feel so shamed when she harps on me about the laundry… What is she trying to teach me? What does she really want from me? And it begins here with the inquiry.

I don’t think her goal is to shame me but she’s trying to tell me that the laundry really matters to her, to teach me how to love her. Trying to teach me how to deal with my shame.

To meet the challenges in yourself is to meet the challenges in relationship. They are one in the same.

Too often, we miss the gift in a moment of conflict. Instead of deepening into self-inquiry –what is she or he trying to teach me? – instead we get defensive and push our partner away.

Like scared kids, we go numb with armor, attack, or grasp for reassurance. We lose our sense of safety and relational mindset. Our union is vulnerable in this moment. And instead of embracing our fragility, we often trample on it. We become transactional, more concerned with who’s right than relational in considering how we can stay in connection.

More on relational vs transactional consciousness coming next week.