I talk a lot about conflict in relationship. It’s where a man needs help most. It’s the biggest problem in his relationship that he wishes he could solve.

Do you argue or fight with your partner?

If so, you’re not alone. From years of coaching men, I’ve seen that most guys don’t do conflict well. For most men, it’s just a downer. Often it goes like this.

She’s upset about something. She needs to talk. You do your best to listen. She says, you don’t listen well enough. You try to listen better.

After a few minutes, her words start swirling in your head. You’re wondering if you’re crazy or if it’s her.  Maybe you even find yourself apologizing. And you don’t even know for what.

Things escalate further. She’s attacking you. You start check outing. You want to just get out of this mess. Maybe you get heated and raise your voice. She reacts to you, even more upset now.

A voice inside of you says, “How the hell did we get here again?”

And afterwards, you go through the classic head game.

What could I have done differently?
How could this have gone better?
What could I have said?
What should I say?

Maybe you have a self-pity party or you blame her and hold a grudge. Maybe you take space for a few hours or days, or you go have a drink, smoke pot, do anything to “make it go away.”

Do any of these behaviors sound familiar?

If so, then you’re a lot of like the men I work with. You’re a good guy who wants to do better.

A good guy who needs to learn how to do conflict productively, instead of destructively.

You see, when you do conflict productively, you can actually use it to get closer to your partner. It’s quite a samurai move.

Yes, through conflict, you can increase trust and become more solid and reliable for her. You can become conflict-skilled.

I know, conflict-skill doesn’t sound super sexy, but it does lead to more trust, closeness, and sex. And most guys would agree, that’s a good thing.

Do you want more trust, closeness, and sex in your relationship?

Ultimately, conflict is a test for you as a man. A test for you to be a strong, steady, and calm presence in the ocean of chaos that your partner often brings to you.

And the skill to do conflict well begins with one thing. And that is knowing your highest priority in your relationship.

And to know your highest priority, you must first weed out your lower ones, such as being right, getting in the last word, and escaping.

When your highest priority is clear, you’re now in your super power as a man. That’s where you’re indestructible and no longer fall into the chaos of conflict.

So how do you access this super power in your relationship?

It starts with one question. The only question that matters in this moment. And because it’s so simple, you’ll be like, What the hell? Why didn’t I think of that?

Discover that one question and your answer to it in this short video.

If you had the golden key to a conflict-free relationship, you’d use it. I would too. But In the absence of that fantasy, only one question matters.

Are you willing to work to become conflict-skilled with your partner?

Most men won’t. If it doesn’t fix things immediately, they give up.

But if you’re like the men I work with,  join a group of bold and courageous men building their relational super powers. Join our Men’s Relationship Tools Calls on Tuesdays at 9am MST.