The Ideal Relationship — What’s it look like? Have you ever been in one?  When I’ve asked clients, they’ve said things like:

We’re deeply connected.
We stay open to one another.
We never fight.

Notice the last statement. Do you know couples who never fight? Anyone come to mind? Likely not.

How about we change that last statement to “we navigate conflict well?” How does that change your perspective?

Conflict happens in all relationships. The biggest question is, how do we deal with it? What if the ideal relationship is not “conflict-free” but “conflict-resilient?” What does that look like?

It looks like this.

I trust you to stay in the fire with me when things get tough. I trust you to hold your own upset and speak your truth to me respectfully when you’ve cooled off. I trust you to hear my side of things.

Trust. Yes, conflict is all about trust. When we deal with conflict poorly, trust diminishes. When we navigate conflict well, trust increases. It’s that simple.

The real opportunity in conflict when navigated well is how you and your partner can feel closer than ever afterwards. To build confidence that you can deal with hard stuff, without attacking, blaming, checking out, or numbing. What would that be like?

As I said in my last blog — 4 Relational Conflict Styles – Which One Are You? – the ideal partner does not fix, blame, or abdicate. Instead, they take responsibility, deal with their hurt feelings and then focus on repair, not the damage.

Here’s a simple process to put repair into action.

But first, before I give you the goods, I want to say this. To repair after conflict, give up needing to be right. Give up having to prove anything.  Get over needing to be justified. That’s staying in the damage. That’s an adolescent perspective.

An adult, on the other hand, shows up fully to listen, hold their response, and hear their partner. That fosters connection and repair.

I once heard it said – In this life, do you want to be right or do you want to be loved?

So, here’s the short version of how to repair. This is a very simple process that has helped hundreds of individuals I’ve worked with who have stayed consistent with it.

Consistency is key. Once per week is best.

And if you prefer, get the more detailed version of the process now, which speaks to other things like common hooks, triggers, avoiding problem-solving, and a powerful closing step.

Here’s the simple version.

1. The first person speaking has the floor for 5 or 10 minutes, whatever is agreed on. Set a timer and use an object to show who has the floor. Only the person with the object may talk.

2. When the timer goes off, the person listening speaks back what they heard said, in their own words. No responding or reacting. Your only job is to show that you fully heard your partner.

3.  When you’re done, pause and take a breath. Switch who speaks and who listens.

This simple 20-30 minute process is so powerful because when you’ve clearly heard each other, the charge and emotions around the issue of conflict drops by upwards of 80%. You realize you didn’t need to be “right.” You just needed to be heard.

And because it’s so simple, there’s often a “holy crap, that’s it” feeling of relief afterwards.

Please note, doing this once might get you through a hiccup in your relationship. But consistency is the key to do conflict productively, deepen trust, and build a proven track record of getting through hard stuff together.

To bring that consistency to your relationship, I support individuals and couples to stay with the practice. To learn more, shoot me a quick email.

And again, get the more detailed version of the process now if you prefer.

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