Guy forgets things at times. Things his wife asks of him.

Recently, he forgot to get lettuce at the supermarket. The month prior, he didn’t call Comcast to get the internet fixed. And this past winter, he spaced on Valentine’s Day.

“You’re unreliable,” his wife said to him. “I can’t trust you.”

OUCH! Painful words for a man to hear.

Guy didn’t feel it was true, but he understood why she said it. Regardless, in the aftermath, he felt like he’d lost major points with her. It was like he was on a scorecard with her.

Do you feel like you’re on a scorecard with your partner?

One mistake, and Guy felt like he would lose her trust for the next week, sometimes a month. Forget about any touch or physical intimacy from her.

So what would he do in response?

Double down. Try harder. He would spend the next week trying to win back those points. Doing whatever he could to make her happy — help out more with house chores and the kids, just about anything she asked.

Eventually, Guy’s focus became oriented on this one question — How can I make her happy?

Do you wonder how you can make your partner happy?

For Guy, it was the fulcrum of his relationship.

“Why are you so focused on her happiness?” I asked him, as his coach.

“Well,” he thought about it. “If I can make her happy, then I have a better chance of getting what I want.”

“And what’s that?”

“Sex, touch, any kind of physicality would be great. Just to know she loves me.”

“And is this strategy working?” I asked.

Guy didn’t answer. His look of dismay said it all.  A few minutes later, he said that it just made things worse.

“I just feel worthless to her.”  He threw up his hands.

He was living in a reality where the scorecard kept stacking up against him. And it didn’t help that he asked himself a desperate question, one I had asked myself during my 20 year marriage.

“If I can’t make her happy, what is the point of being married to her? What value do I serve for her?”

Do you wonder about your purpose with your partner? 

If you do, consider what I told Guy.

“You’re stuck in a losing strategy,” I said. “You can’t be responsible for your wife’s happiness. You can’t make her happy or anyone else for that matter.”

He looked up at me, somewhat confused and yet curious. His eyes showed suspicion, challenging all that he knew in the moment.

“So what then?”

“Let go of the ‘make her happy’ question and instead, ask another question.”

“And that is?” Guy asked.

“What would make you happy? How can you experience a more fulfilling relationship with your wife?”

Are you hiding out in the “make her happy” question, instead of getting clear on what you want in your relationship?

In this short video, I talk about how changing the question opens a whole new world of possibilities with your partner. And even makes you more attractive to her.

What if you took responsibility for your own happiness, instead of focusing on hers?

Within a few months, Guy started doing just that.  He began to get clear on what he wanted more of with his wife, and less of.

Instead of swirling in his failures to meet her task lists, he began orienting on the things he wanted to pursue in his relationship.

Guy took leadership in his relationship, to talk to his wife about his wants and needs. And man, did she respond.

Suddenly, she saw how important their relationship was to him. She no longer felt like someone to be placated with completed tasks. Instead, she felt like the woman he wanted.

It sounds simple. And it is. But it also takes some work. And the truth that Guy understood, is that no man gets here alone.

We need others to help us see our blind spots and trip ups. To help us stay motivated to go after what we want in our relationship, especially if we’ve been knocked down.

Are you ready to go after what you want in your relationship?

Step into action now.  Join our next men’s free zoom call on Tuesdays at 9am mtn time where you can get custom feedback on what’s going on for you and learn how to go after what you want with your partner.

And if you’re the kind of guy who might feel weird on a call with a group of guys you don’t know, no problem. Join without video and just listen in or shoot me a quick email if you have any questions about the call or prefer to talk one on one.

Release the burden of trying to make your partner happy. Get clear on what will make you happy and close the gap to getting it now.