“I want her to be happy. But man, she has no idea the value of a dollar. She blows ten bucks on gourmet cookies and doesn’t even eat them,” my client Todd said.

Sounds like the words of a guy who is financially stressed.

Anyone who’s been married a while can tell you that arguments about money and marriage go hand in hand.

Do you and your wife fight about money?

It can be infuriating for a guy when he feels like his wife wastes money.

“I work my ass off, trying to put aside for our future, and she’s pissing away cash like it’s nothing,” said Todd.

And so the typical cycle went like this. Todd’s wife would spend frivolously. He would get upset. She’d hide her spending from him. He would discover it months later.

He’d confront her. She’d say, “That was forever ago, you expect me to remember that?”

A fight would ensue. He’d feel powerless. She’d feel humiliated. And both would dig in for their survival. He can’t control me. She can’t piss away money like it grows on trees.

Is money a source of conflict for you and your wife?

You may know the rest of the story.

Afterward, Todd and his wife put each other in the doghouse. Trust went to hell. Intimacy was off the radar for the next week or two.

In the end, two lonely people living lonely lives, isolated on separate sides of the fence. And then every six to eight weeks, they repeat the cycle.

Why is money such a problem for so many married couples?

For guys, it’s simple. Much of our self-esteem is embedded in our ability to earn and provide. It relates to our built-in need to serve and protect.

While women are earning like never before, they typically don’t wrap their self-esteem around their earnings. But men, on the other hand, do.

And so when Todd’s wife spent $10 on a box of cookies that he thought shouldn’t cost more than $5, it became a big deal. But in the flood of emotions, he missed something big. Todd failed to realize that it wasn’t just about the money.

What he missed was that this was about something much more personal. It was about his self-confidence in his marriage. His ability to confidently communicate to his wife.

In the absence of self-confidence, he resorted to trying to change his wife’s behaviors in order to be okay and respected. But it wasn’t about her. It’s about him.

Do you wish you could communicate confidently with your wife?

If you could, you wouldn’t fall into this trap of thought, common for many guys. They think, If only I could make more money, then I wouldn’t have to worry about her spending.

But more money is not going to fix a self-confidence problem. Todd could tell you that. He was the guy worth millions, yes, millions, complaining to his wife about a $10 box of cookies.

His complaint wasn’t really about cookies. It was about his self-worth as a man. It was about his ability to communicate confidently to his wife. This was deeply personal for him.

Why else would a multi-millionaire make such a big deal about a $10 box of cookies?

Do you get upset at dumb things you judge your wife does?

If so, then consider something that was big for Todd. The deeper message here. The story you tell yourself. That somehow you have failed as a man when you can’t get through to her.

It’s easy to beat yourself up about your inability to communicate with your wife.

In the absence of self-confidence, men often lose themselves in a tangled web of self-judgment, fear, and projection. But none of that gets dealt with because we’re too focused on the damn cookies.

Of course, the cookies are a metaphor. For you, it might be a parking ticket that goes unpaid, a bill that got lost, or a check that never got cashed. Whatever it is for you…

What if you could just relax, communicate well, and enjoy your marriage?

In the video below, check out the precise words that helped put Todd back in charge of his marriage.

What is it that you ultimately want in your relationship?

At the end of the day, Todd wanted what a lot of married men want – self-confidence with his wife, trust in their marriage, and the ability to relax and love her.

And what a thing it is that we guys will toss all that away for a $10 box of cookies. In truth, we don’t even know we’re being so foolish.

Yet in the absence of the simple ability to convey impact, to talk about what’s really under the hood for us, we spend years complaining, hiding, or blowing things up.

Being a confident and capable man in your relationship is not all that hard. You just need to stay in your productive powers.

Do you want to go from frustrated to confident with your partner?

If you answered yes, let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on your partner’s verbose ways. I’d be honored to hear from you.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch. To get started, shoot me a quick email.

And for the many women wanting to learn more about men, here is a special link for you women.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage, try out the Men’s Relationship School for free.

It’s also a great way to see what coaching can offer you.