I Can’t Follow All Her Words
“My wife says I don’t listen to her,” Mike says.
“And then I think,” he continues. “Listen to her? I can barely even follow her words.”
He’s exasperated just talking about it. As the CEO of a high tech company, he’s a master of clear communication, but at home, he falters.
“In the same breath, she says she had a great night, and then she says I didn’t consider her when choosing the restaurant.”
Do your partner’s words confuse you?
Maybe, as with Mike, you struggle that your partner’s words aren’t logical or consistent.
“Wait a minute,” Mike says. “You mean I’m not supposed to expect her to be logical? If so, how can I know who is talking to me?”
Mike’s got a point, one I’ve heard from thousands of men coaching guys in relationship.
“Mike, golden rule. Pivot on you, not on her.”
His brow furrows, challenged but curious.
“Drop into yourself. Notice the impact of your wife’s words on you, explicitly how you perceive her mixed messages.”
How do you feel when your wife’s words confuse you?
“It makes me feel lost,” Mike says. “Annoyed, even angry.”
“Great observation,” I say to him. “Now, what’s the anger wanting of you?”
“Wanting of me?” he says.
“Yes. Talk to your anger. Ask it what it wants of you?”
He considers this. After a few moments, he says, “It wants me to not have to deal with this insanity.”
“All right, so if we were to translate that, would it be accurate to say your anger wants you to be protected from confusion?”
Do you get confused trying to understand your partner?
“Yes, exactly,” Mike says. “Protected from her craziness.”
“So then this is really about you and not her?
“He looks at me as if I’m trying to pull a dirty trick on him.
“Mike, you can spend the rest of your life trying to blame your wife for your confusion or you can own it as your need.”
I give him a chance to digest what I’ve said.
“You’re chasing your tail, trying to create consistency in her words. That’s what’s driving you crazy, not her.”
“OK,” he says. “So what do I do about her?”
What do you do about your wife?
“You take responsibility for your need for clarity. Your need for logic. You don’t put that on her.”
I continue to tell Mike about how his wife and many women operate from a different framework, not merely based on logic but often flooded by emotion.
“Stop arguing with reality. You will not change her.
“Instead, stretch yourself. Start to understand the deeper emotions and needs under her words. Start to notice how your confusion happens because you pivot on her and not on you.”
Mike nods and smiles, feeling the inevitable expansion a man experiences when his well-being is back in his own hands and not outsourced to his partner.
How can you get back in charge of your relationship?
Discover 2 powerful tools in the video below that helped Mike get free of the confusion of his wife’s words, better meet her emotional needs, and help him create the marriage he sought.
Do you want to get free of the madness of trying to follow all your partner’s words?
If so, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Shoot me a quick email.
Leverage my 15 years of coaching men in relationship with custom feedback on your marital situation in 2 ways.
First, fill out this one-minute web form to initiate a guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on your marriage.
An honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch. I’d be honored to hear from you.
And for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their relationship, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly Zoom call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET.
