Ladies, the number one way to make your man happy is…  well, you know…. Give it to him. Lots of it. And often. Number two is….

Wait a minute. STOP! What was number one? Give him lots of what?

Well, uh, you know, sex.

Are you serious? Do you think I’m a candy store? Open my legs to make you happy? WTF?

No! No! No! CUT! This is B.S.

Or is it?

And yet it’s what many men think. And women as well.

I saw it firsthand this past weekend at The Radical Love Summit where I was a speaker. In an audience of 80% women, when asked what the #1 thing men want from women, the most common answer was a vociferous chorus of…. you guessed it…. SEX…

There’s a thread of truth in this. No? If not, how can it be such a common belief?

Men want sex. Lots of it. They’re dogs. They can never think with two heads at once. It’s biological. Built in. A procreative drive.

Ok, maybe there’s some truth to it. But damn, women, you don’t have to shame us about it.

I mean, we’re the good guys, the respectful ones. We want it too. We can’t be held responsible for how we’re built. Or can we?

Dopamine, testosterone, oxytocin. It all shows up before, during and after sex. It’s the hormones.

Yeah, right. Nice try, dude.

Imagine this conversation between a man and a woman. Some version of it happens every day.

And so… how can a good guy own his sexuality?

He wants it. But that’s not all he wants.

And it’s no big secret that men get all connect-y, vulnerable and loving during sex.

Ooh baby, I love you. You’re the best. I want to love you forever. If only we could just live here.

I’ll admit, I’ve felt that often. What man hasn’t? Is it inauthentic? Is it not real?

Well, she begins to wonder when afterwards he passes out (guilty), or says, I said what to you? I love you? (guilty)

It’s like, for a moment, he became a different person. Of course, I’m not going to trust him next time.

But let me tell you this, ladies, when he connects with you physically, his heart opens up. And this doesn’t mean you can only access his heart through his penis. There’s a lot more going on for him during sex than just sex.

During the act, he deeply feels your trust, your respect, your appreciation, and your love. And in a committed relationship, these are the things he’s seeking.

For you, as a woman to open yourself physically with your full presence is the greatest honoring of his masculine being.

When you do, he hears – I want you, I trust you, I love you. He’s ready to be the man you want him to be. And of course, there’s more to it.

For men, feelings of love and connection are accessed most efficiently during sex. By efficient, I mean, it hits him like a lightning rod. It’s a win. He’s done something right. He’s in good standing with you.  And that matters a lot to him. More than you can imagine.

But for most women, they can’t always just go there. They need to talk, share emotions, feel a sense of connection prior… especially after a long day of work or parenting.

I get it. I had this dynamic with my ex-wife. She needed to talk to feel close to me. I needed to get physical. I remember thinking…

What a cruel f#*kin’ joke, God! This is how you made us. We’re on opposite sides of the universe, trying to get back to one another.

And so, often at night, I’d hang out in bed with her. I’d try to “connect” and “talk.” I’d try to honor her, be authentic about it, and not even think about sex during the “talking” part. I looked at it as a training. To be a better guy.

Of course, my male brain got transactional about it. I kept score, 3 nights talking, 1 night sex. There’s no way I’ll make the playoffs with this record. Need new plan.

And yet, in time, it became clear to me. It wasn’t about the sex. It was about love, respect, and most of all, appreciation. 

And I was not feeling those things outside of the bedroom. Nor did I have confidence that it would change. So being a dude, I tried to shortcut our problems, with more sex.

But what I did not know was this.

Whatever happens outside of the bedroom happens inside the bedroom.

So what happened for me and her? Well, that’s a much longer story, told in my Amazon best seller “Fixing You Is Killing Me.”

But the gist for now is this.

Dudes, don’t mistake sex for what you really want. Love, respect, and appreciation. It’s not there, talk to her. Tell her how you’re feeling. Sex might help but it won’t fix it.

And ladies, know how he’s built. Don’t use sex as a weapon against him. Use it to love him and receive his love.

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