Rick was a successful entrepreneur. The kind of guy who kicked ass at work. Good looking, fit, smart.

He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who played small in the world.

But at home, that’s precisely what he did. He tried not to upset his wife. He walked on eggshells around her.

And he swirled in one question.

How can I make her happy?

It’s a question that can drive a guy nuts, especially when nothing he does seems like enough for his partner.

I know this firsthand, having asked this question for many years asking in a 20 year marriage.

And it can get even worse when a man feels like he’s trying hard, working on himself, changing old behaviors, showing up in a different way, and still, he gets the same old disgruntled response from his partner.

It can make a man feel like he’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t.

What’s a guy to do?

Simply put, change the question.

That’s what I learned in my marriage and it’s what I taught Rick.

Ask another question.

One that is more authentic, more honest, and goes directly after what you really want. It’s the true question underneath how can I make her happy, which Rick discovered with my help.

“Why do you want to make your wife happy?” I asked him.

“Because that’s my job as a man. To make my wife happy.”

I wasn’t buying it. I asked again.

“I don’t know. I mean,” he paused. “If she’s happy, then I can be happy.”

BINGO!

Are you like Rick, believing you can only be happy if your partner’s happy?

If yes, consider this.

“You’re trying to make your wife happy so that you can be happy,” I said.

“Kind of,” he said. As he thought about it, he realized how twisted it sounded.

“What if you go directly to the question that you’re really asking?” I said.

“Sure. And what is that?” he said.

“It’s, how can I be happy in this relationship? What do I want and need?”

“But what about her?” he said. “Am I not going to think about her? Isn’t relationship all about considering the other person?”

“There’s a wide river between considering your wife and suppressing your wants and needs for her.”

Do you suppress your wants and needs for your partner?

If so, see how Rick revitalized his relationship by discovering his wants and needs, and how you can too, in the video below.

Having wants and needs is human. Knowing and advocating for them is a fulfilled human.

If you struggle to know and advocate for your needs in your relationship, that needs to stop now.

Get expert help to turn around your relationship. Shoot me a quick email. Let’s explore what’s possible for you.