He can never make her happy. Nothing is ever enough. What can he do? And then one day she says she wants a divorce. He is stunned.

More and more men are having this experience today. Women are initiating 70% and even more of divorces these days.

Keith saw the writing on the wall in his marriage. He had hit a threshold. His marriage had been compromised for a while. As hard as he tried, he could not make his wife Sandra happy.

He loved her greatly but her disappointment in him distressed him. As we talked by skype, another truth emerged.

“She complains a lot about me,” he says. “Like how I don’t make enough money. I’m not around enough for our kids. I don’t meet her needs. It’s draining, to be honest.”

“And? Is any of it true?”

“Some but it’s not the whole truth. I listen to her and I’m responsive. I’ve been looking at other work opportunities and taking the kids to soccer lately.”

“And what about her needs? How do you show up for her?”

“She hasn’t been very specific about her needs. To be honest, she doesn’t communicate all that much. And when she does, it’s mostly complaints.”

“And in the couples’ work you’re doing? Does she communicate there?”

“She talks but it’s more like venting. The therapist says I need to validate her feelings.”

“And do you?”

“I do. But I also feel like she’s putting it all on me. Of course, I have my part.”

He is quiet for a moment. He looks around, then up. I sense something else important and unspoken in his silence.

A few moments later, he reveals that for several months now, he and Sandra have slept in separate bedrooms. Still, it’s not enough, he says. He has proposed a temporary separation. But Sandra refuses to hear of it.

“‘A real man does not leave his wife,’ she says. ‘A real man sticks through it all in marriage.’”

“Wow, that’s a strong statement,” I say.

He nods his head. “She can be harsh.”

“You do know she’s scared.”

Keith nods again, visibly uncomfortable.

Over the next two weeks, Sandra digs her heels in. She threatens to divorce him if he leaves the house. Keith tries to explain that he still loves her. He just needs time to get perspective that couples therapy has not provided.

He is seeking to redefine their relationship, not throw in the towel, he tells her. But she will have none of it.

In a subsequent session, Keith looks at me, frustrated, a depleted look on his face. He is still at home. While he wants to move out, he fears losing his family. Sandra may vilify him to their kids.

We work together so that he may stay strong with himself and compassionate with his wife. He feels the sting of Sandra’s inflexibility, the opposite of the healthy love he seeks.

The irony is that if Sandra were willing to meet him partway, perhaps suggest an alternative separation arrangement, she would be more likely to achieve the outcome she seeks, of keeping their marriage together. She cannot see this. Keith is in a quagmire. 

“Do you see the both/and here for you?” I ask him.

“What do you mean?”

“You want to honor yourself and your wife.”

“Yeah,” he says.

“How do you do both? It’s not easy but from what I am hearing from you, it’s the right way forward for you. Would you agree?”

“Yes.”

In the weeks to come, Keith stays present with his fears of loss and his own growth. He navigates a fine thin path of honoring himself and his family. It’s not easy but he walks the way of in between.

While fear has its way with him at times, he engages his marital challenges to get bigger through it all.

He learns to be with hard feelings, speaks his needs to Sandra, and understands that, whether he remains married or not, he can still honor his family.

The path forward of in-between offers him and his family freedom and growth that could not have been attained otherwise. It’s not just as simple as stay or leave.

All names above are fictionalized for client confidentiality. The passage above is a revised excerpt from the #1 Amazon best-selling book “Fixing You Is Killing Me: A Conscious Roadmap to Knowing When To Save & When To Leave Your Relationship”