Tony, a high-level executive, comes to me trying to get a handle on his marriage.

“Nothing I do ever seems like it’s enough for my wife. I’m not home enough, she says. I don’t spend enough time with the kids. I work my ass off and I show up as the best partner possible.”

He pauses, sighs.

“I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. How can I fix this?”

The first thing I point out to him is that he’s focused on his wife’s behavior, specifically her complaints, and not his own behavior, what he actually wants.

And the second thing is he’s trying to fix things, as if he’s in the executive boardroom.

Do you try to fix your wife’s behaviors?

I ask Tony a simple question I ask many men I coach.

“I hear you talking about her. But what about you? Are you willing to take responsibility for yourself?”

“I think I am. I’m trying be a better partner. I am taking responsibility.”

“Maybe a form of responsibility but not self-responsibility.”

His eyes narrow for a moment. He thinks. Tony is a great thinker but you can’t think your way through relationship.

“You are focused on her. You orient yourself around what you believe she needs and wants. And then you internalize failure.”

He nods his head.

“Now, the big question is, are you willing to take responsibility for what you want in this marriage?”

“Yes, of course,” he says. “That’s why I’m here.”

Many men say this but not few are willing to roll up their sleeves to confront their behaviors that co-create the dynamics in their relationship.

Are you willing to work on your relationship?

“The problem is,” I say to Tony, “is that you’ve abdicated from yourself. You’ve betrayed yourself.”

And as we continue to talk, it becomes clear that he has betrayed himself in his relationship in three ways, that I see time and again with men.

Do you betray yourself in your relationshp?

#1 He does not advocate for his own wants and needs.

Instead, he focuses solely on what his wife needs. He’s chosen what I call, “the back door to happiness.”

If I can make her happy, then I can be happy. This is his thinking. This belief came from his father who tried to do the same with his mother.

It also came from the perfidious belief –  Happy wife happy life.

But it does not work that way. You cannot gain happiness by making somebody else happy.

It’s a losing strategy and it’s not honest.

If you want to make your partner happy, be clear, direct, and bold with her.

#2 He retreats or gets explosive when conflict happens.

Tony is conflict phobic. Instead of engaging conflict productively, he withdraws or flips out.

Both are an attempt to make conflict go away. And both are a way of playing small in relationship.

#3 He does not know how to set healthy boundaries when his wife behaves poorly.

Unknowingly, Tony lets his wife set the agenda of their relational dynamic. He inherently believes that women are better at relationship than men.

And so, he assumes that she knows better in this realm. And when she gets manipulative with her complaints of him, he takes it on, “like a man.”

This is a recipe for misery for a man. Instead, a man needs to set a simple boundary.

And for Tony, that meant saying, time out, that’s not working for me. Let’s take a break and come back to this when you’re not so worked up.

Are you guilty of one or any of these behaviors?

If so, I highly suggest you check out my video below for a step by step strategy to stop self betrayal in your relationship.

Tony stepped in to do the work to stop betraying himself with his partner.

Are you ready to stop betraying yourself in your relationship?

If so, join my next free & confidential Men’s Relationship Tools zoom call  on Tuesdays at 9am MST.

And for daily relationship advice and conversation with men only in my private Facebook Group, check out Men Mastering Relationship.