“Is my marriage fixable?” Dave, a senior-level IT executive, asks me.

He wants guidance. He wants reassurance.

He’s a man who thrives with a plan.

How do you know if your marriage can be fixed?

Of course, no one has a crystal ball looking into the future. Still, having coached men in relationship for the last 15 years, there are clear signs of if your marriage can be fixed or not.

Before answering Dave, I invite him to go a bit deeper.

“You’re wanting to fix your marriage,” I say. “Of course. That’s why you’re asking this question.”

He nods his head.

“So, take a pause and notice where that desire comes from.”

“What do you mean?” he says.

“Does it come from your love for your wife? Love for what you’ve shared over the past 15 years? Or from your fear of divorce? Or fear of losing your kids?”

“Probably all of it,” he says.

“Great honesty. Now notice the impact of it coming from love vs fear.”

He pauses. “When I come from love, I feel more courageous, more expansive.”

“Yes. And let’s be clear. Fear can be helpful as well,” I say. “Your fears are merely inner voices trying to keep you safe from losing love.”

Can fear help you fix your marriage?

Depending on your relationship with fear, it’ll either energize you or drain you.

I coach Dave on how to be in right relationship with fear, how to transform fear from a master to an advisor.

And that’s helpful for him.

But when it comes to knowing if his marriage can be fixed, there’s a bigger piece here. Something that I can’t help him with as directly.

“So Dave, there’s another thing to consider regarding your question about if your marriage can be fixed.”

He looks at me with curiosity.

“Like a lot of men who I work with, I sense that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to fix your marriage.”

What will it take to fix your marriage?

“Yes,” Dave says.

“You’re thinking, if I work on myself intensely, become a better man for her, then I’ll be able to fix things. Does that resonate?”

Dave nods and breathes deeply.

“Great. But that’s just part of the equation. And it relates to a sign that your marriage may be difficult to fix.”

Do you know the one big sign that your marriage can’t be fixed?

“You’ve said that your wife is unwilling to work on herself.”

I explain to him. She has to own her part. Look at her behaviors. Take responsibility for her side of things. Be willing to work on herself.

And that could even be as simple as working on opening up to receiving the better man you’re trying to become.

At the end of the day, if she’s completely closed off to you, your marriage cannot be fixed.

She’s got to be open to the fruits of your labors. To let go of the past challenges. Or at least be willing to repair them.

Is your wife willing to work on herself regarding your marriage?

Check out the video below to discover what to do if she’s not willing to do the work.

Dave admitted that his wife wouldn’t do any work on herself. Still he decided to hire me as his coach. Why bother?

Because he saw great value in becoming a better version of himself, for him, and not just for her. He was doing it for future relationships, if it came to that.

He didn’t want to end up in the same spot again. And he also wanted to know that he was giving his marriage his best shot.

Dave crushed it.

In several months, he got better at navigating the hardships, better at not getting activated, and not becoming dominated by his emotions.

In time, he became an assured, calm, and confident man in his marriage.

And what do you know, his wife saw his efforts and eventually opened up to do work on herself.

Do you want to become a better man in your relationship?

If so, shoot me a quick email.

For men and women going through big transitions in life and relationship, check out my in-person Metamorphosis Retreat in Asheville, North Carolina November 3-5 with my colleague Sarah Haggerty.

Or join me at one of these two online trainings.

Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support, for only $47/month.

A Confident Man’s Path To Relationship for 6 weeks on Tuesdays 7:30-9pm ET at $395, limited to 8 men, with the focus on prospering through the holidays.