There’s a secret a lot of guys won’t speak. To speak it goes against the guy code. And it’s this.

“I can’t be weak.”

And often a man doesn’t know he holds this belief until he hits rock bottom in his relationship. Until he actually feels weak.

It’s only then that he realizes how much time and energy he put in to avoid a reality that he was on a crash course with.

That reality was a relationship that needed some serious CPR.

And when he crashes, he’s often left saying things like…

I don’t know who I am with her anymore.

I have to not be me so that she doesn’t freak out.

I’ve lost myself with her in my marriage.

It’s gut-wrenching for a man to realize he’s lost who he is with his partner. It diminishes his dignity. And crushes his sense of manhood.

What he stands for. Who he is. And how he creates a relationship that ultimately serves him instead of emasculates him.

Why’s it so common for a guy to to give up who is in relationship?

One reason is his fear of upsetting his partner.

A second is “making her happy” behavior which he got from the first woman in his life (yep, you got it, his mother.)

And the third that I see most often is the belief that he can make things ok with his partner by giving up who he is.

So what’s a guy to do? 

In a nutshell, regain who he is. And that happens in 3 steps. Think DUA.

1. Discover who you are again. Reclaim your wants and needs in the relationship.

2. Understand where the old patterns came from.  Where’d you learn to give up who you are to get love?

And step 3 is… well, it’s the most important one. A step that therapists typically miss. Discover step 3 in the video below.

And if you’re like the guy above (I was for years), you may know that you need to regain who you are, but you don’t do it for fear of what you’ll lose.