Roberto was 12 years married when we began working together. He had all the behaviors of many married men I coach.

He was walking on eggshells around his wife.
He lived in fear of stepping on a landmine with her.
And he tried to avoid what he feared – arguments, upsets, and divorce.

“It all started about seven years ago when our son was born,” he said. “Something changed in her. It’s like a cloak of fear enveloped her. Suddenly, I felt like I had to tiptoe around her. And it’s only gotten worse in the years since.”

Are you walking on eggshells around your partner?

“I’ve tried to help her but that just makes things worse. Recently, I’ve been wondering how long can I keep this up?”

By this, Roberto meant the tiptoeing, the walking on eggshells. And by asking how long, he was starting to do something most men struggle to do – listen to himself.

Do you ask yourself, how long can I keep this up with my partner?

If so, like Roberto, you are getting the first sign that you want to create change in your relationship.

But what do you do about it? Do you ignore the inner voice? Or do you act to create change?

Roberto‘s situation was fairly straightforward. After the birth of his son, he spent a lot of time trying to make his wife less fearful and happier.

It’s also known as fixing, a man’s heroic effort to do good in his relationship. It’s a form of rescuing the damsel in distress. But today often the feminist damsel only gets resentful. Roberto had this experience as well.

“She wants me to be on her team but I have no idea how. Everything I do seems to just make things worse.”

The problem was that Roberto had bought into his wife’s fear. He believed he had to take it on and make it better, in order to be a good man to his partner.

In pivoting off of his wife, her fear, her world, he had checked out from his own world, who he was, and what he wanted.

I helped him flip a critical switch. A switch that moved him from overwhelm with her fears to freedom in his courage.

I coached him to stop subjecting himself to his wife’s fears, a weak position for a man to live in. And instead, I challenged and supported him to start living in what he wanted to create for himself and his family.

What if instead of focusing so much on your partner’s complaints about you, you focused on your wants for your relationship?

When I asked Roberto this, he said, “Well, then I’d be accused of being selfish and insensitive to her.”

“So you’d rather be fearful of who you won’t be for her instead of being fearless to be who you want to be for you?”

Roberto shook his head. “Of course not.”

Roberto got it. This is what I call the shift from the victim mindset to the creator mindset. This is the flipping of the switch.

Do you focus primarily on your partner’s needs while ignoring your own?

If so, you’re in the company of many men, who have been trained from a young age, to believe a man doesn’t have needs.

Well, I’m here to tell you that’s just not true. And it does you and your relationship a lot of harm.

Over the next few months, I continually reminded Roberto and helping him stay on track with knowing what he wanted in his relationship and how to go after his wants and needs. He faltered at first but stuck with it.

Soon enough, he started letting go of his wife’s fears and stopped trying to caretake her. And instead, he spoke what he wanted to her – an authentic, meaningful, kind, and fearless relationship.

Have you told your partner what you want your relationship to be?

He went from being fearful of not being enough for her to being confident that he could be enough for himself.

What Roberto did that most men don’t do is simple. He kept after what he wanted with his partner. He would not give up until he changed his behavior with his wife.

And soon enough, she began responding. She noticed he no longer swirled off of her fears and brought a confidence and steadiness to her that had been lacking prior. She began trusting him in a way he’d never experienced before.

Unlike Roberto, most guys wanting change in their relationship do very little about it. Others seek tips and tools but never the support to stay after it.

Are you the guy always seeking information on relationship but actually doing little?

Roberto committed to coaching with me because he knew that he couldn’t change years of old behavioral patterns on his own.

I call it connecting to the power of will. It’s something that comes alive in a man once he knows he’s done with his old way of doing relationship.

I had a moment recently when I was walking on eggshells with my partner. Similar to Roberto, I just had to flip a switch.

In this video, learn how I said goodbye to fear and hello to going after what I wanted with my partner. And how you can too.

Have you had enough of tiptoeing around your partner?

If yes, I invite you to the simple first step that Roberto took and changed his life forever. And that is simply this: shoot me a quick email to see what’s possible for you.