You commit to one woman. She’s the one you will be with.

She’s the one woman with whom you will have sex. You’ve committed to her in marriage or monogamy.

And then, the door closes. Over time during your relationship, she closes the door behind the sex life you once shared.

Has your partner closed the door on your sex life?

Maybe this is you.

At night, you try to cuddle up to her and she pulls away. She says, she just wants to read her book.

A few minutes later, you glance at her to see if she sees you. She doesn’t. She’s reading – clearly.

It’s as if you’re not even there. You feel invisible. You’re even starting to feel punished.

You ask yourself…

What did I do?

Why is she so shut down to me?

How can I get her to open up?

It can feel punishing to lose your partner sexually.

It’s as if she owns a part of you – your sexuality – and pulls it away from you. As if she has control over you.

This is an extremely challenging place for a man to be.

What can you do when you feel like she’s sexually punishing you?

Maybe you go into one of these two modes – righteousness or wounded puppy dog.

The first – righteousness – has you saying to yourself, she’s using sex as a weapon.

You use words like weapon to convey the sense of the battle that you feel you’re in.

You have a sense of righteous indignation, a sense of being right. A sense of “she’s the problem.”

Do you feel like she’s the problem when it comes to sex?

The challenge with this story is it puts you in a confrontational and transactional mindset. It says, she’s doing A (no sex) to get B (punish me).

This may feel good in the moment but it WILL NOT get you what you want ultimately – closeness and connection.

When you make her the problem, you become a prisoner to her. You lose all your power.

On the flipside, when you go into wounded puppy dog mode, you embody the energy of a limp appendage.

You go into self-pity, very different than grief which can get you back into your strength.

In self-pity, you have no power.

How do you get your power back when you feel like she’s using sex as a weapon?

You go into neither – righteousness or wounded puppy dog.

Instead, you…

… honor that warrior in you that wants to show up better.

… claim your confidence within yourself instead of giving it over to her based on how she “responds” to you.

… live your life as if she’s a part of it and not the center of it.

… take care of yourself.

… express love as it feels aligned for you and not to “win her over” or get a result.

… don’t seek or beg or look at her for validation.

Maybe you read your book.

Maybe you just turn the other way and go to sleep.

Or maybe you say “Good night, love, I hope you sleep well, sweet dreams. I love you.”

Yes, I can give you the words that you might say to her.

But like most men, you have to do the deeper work within yourself to calm the parts of you that are scared and resistant to being a bigger, better version of yourself.

Ultimately, you must regain your confidence, so that you don’t pivot on her and instead you pivot on you.

Could you regain your confidence even when she’s not having sex with you?

To do that, your self-esteem must be greater than your she-esteem.

To take a deeper dive into mastering your self-esteem in your marriage or relationship, check out the free guide “A Man’s Guide To A Kick-Ass Marriage.”

(Works for unmarried men as well; for any man in relationship.)

And to take a deeper dive into how to get out of the story of “she uses sex as a weapon,” check out the video below.

How can you regain your confidence when you’re in a sexless marriage?

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk to see what that looks like for you.

Or join our small tribe of men rocking their relationships with heart, freedom and responsibility. For a free 1st call and then only $47/month for weekly calls, join us at Men’s Relationship Tools.

Life’s too short to settle for the status quo of a sexless marriage. You deserve better, brother.