So, there’s this trap we guys often fall into. I call it the “fixer trap.”

And when we’re in the fixer trap, we want to be “the guy.”

You’re the guy who saves the day. The guy who makes things ok for her. The guy who is strong and capable for his partner. And the guy she needs us to be.

We want to be the hero. Even if that kind of stuff died 50 years ago with the feminist movement.

Still, it’s wired into our DNA on the evolutionary scale – provide and protect.

In post-feminist times, provide and protect transform into the more deferential “fix and rescue” (or for the bully/patriarch “demote and demean.”)

Do you fall into the fixer trap?

When you fall into that trap, you get into a mindset that tells you that you know what she needs.

You know how she needs to change herself. Which therapist she needs to see. Which personality disorder she has.

Or on the flip side, you put yourself through the grinder. You twist yourself into a pretzel to try to be what she wants you to be.

Anything to be the hero.

And like most baggage, we carry around this false hero syndrome unconsciously.

And when this heroism doesn’t work, we get angry or fall into righteous self-pity.

At worst, we lose our self-identity and sacrifice our self-esteem for “she-esteem,” how she esteems us.

Or we blow up the relationship with an affair, massage parlor visits, alcohol, or drugs.

The fixer tendencies of the false hero do not work.

What can you do instead to improve your relationship?

Become stronger in the face or her complaints. Set internal boundaries with her critiques of your character.

Get ok with how she feels about you, knowing that’s about her and your value is greater than how she esteems you.

And most of all, stop taking responsibility for her feelings. And that’s key. Don’t try to fix her feelings about you.

It’s one thing to try to change your behaviors but another to try to change the entire fabric of who you are because you think it’ll make her happy.

Change comes from deep within. Not from wanting the feelings of your partner to be different.

Maybe you’re like I was in a 25-year marriage, wondering…

But who am I if I can’t make her happy?

You’re you. And that’s where it starts. In the power to be you. The power to own yourself. And the power to own your behaviors.

And the trailhead to owning your power in relationship is this…

Stop making yourself responsible for your partner’s feelings and start being responsible for your behaviors.

In the video below, discover the difference between responsibility for her feelings versus your behavior.

Seems like a subtle distinction – her feelings and your behavior.

And it offers an inconvenient truth you already know but struggle to act on.

You can’t change her. You can only change yourself.

Become a more relational man. Not a false superhero she can’t trust.

And if she’s abusive, then that’s a whole other thing that I talk about in my other videos.

Become the man you want to be in your marriage.

To do so, we essentially have to re-program ourselves as men.

And that takes time. 6 weeks of training, in fact.

The most valuable 6 weeks of your life.

Join my upcoming Confident Man’s Path To Relationship online training starting TODAY!

Not a group guy and prefer to talk 1:1? Shoot me a quick email.

And for men and women going through big transitions in life and relationship, check out my in-person Metamorphosis Retreat happening November 3-5 with my colleague Sarah Haggerty.