“I want to have more sex with my wife,” said Rick, a CEO client.

“OK, so what’s your sense of why it’s not happening?” I asked.

“She’s busy all the time. She’s tired when I’m awake. And I’m tired when she’s up. It’s like we just miss each other,” he says.

Are you in a sexless or sexually-challenged marriage?

For some guys, it’s a huge source of distress. For others, they just check out from their cock.

For Rick it was top mission priority number one.

“It’s not just about the sex, he said. It’s about the connection. I feel closest to her when we’re having sex.”

“Great,” I said

“What’s great?” he said, perplexed.

“That you want to work on the relationship as well,” I said.

Rick considered this as if I had made an assumption that wasn’t true.

Do you want to work on your relationship or just have more sex?

Three seconds later, Rick said, “I want to work on my relationship AND have more sex.”

“Noted,” I said.

What if sex was just a subset of a more fulfilling marriage and the reward was feeling like you have a woman who has your back?

“Sounds really good to me. Because right now she doesn’t have my front or back.” He laughed.

“What do you think is the root cause of your sexless marriage?”

Rick thought about it for a moment.

Many guys I’ve spoken with in the last 15 years of coaching men pin it on their partner; they say…

She’s shut down, she’s too busy, she’s putting me at the bottom of the list, her libido has changed.

And yet what they’re not aware of is how they treat sex like Rick did. An approach to sex that turns off his wife. A thing for her to do.

Do you make this common mistake when it comes to sex with your wife?

Check out the video below to discover if that’s the case for you. To have sex work for your marriage instead of against it.

A few weeks later, with Rick’s permission, I spoke to his wife Angela about their sexual dynamic.

She said, “He treats me like this thing that’s just supposed to turn on at any time. Oh, he works so hard… blah blah…”

I nodded empathically.

“So he can have sex at any time but you need to feel connected to him to do it? Does that resonate?”

“Exactly,” Angela breathed deeply, relieved that I understood the dynamic.

“I know he loves me but it’s a huge turn-off when he treats sex like a thing I have to do. I have plenty to do. I want sex to be deeper than another thing to cross off my list.”

With Angela’s consent, I shared this last sentiment with Rick a week later.

At first, Rick was dumbfounded, even offended. His face said WTF?

In the moment, I asked him to own his reaction and not pin it all on her.

That helped him relax and open to see how what Angela said could be true.

After that, Rick got serious. He worked with me on the relationship to develop a less transactional and more relational approach to sex.

And not surprisingly, Angela opened up to him sexually. Rick was a changed man with a new blueprint on how to engage his wife relationally and sexually.

Are you ready to up-level your sex life with your wife?

If so, shoot me a quick email to jump on a 15-minute call and see how 1:1 coaching can help you achieve your goals.

Or join me on the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support for only $47/month.

Check it out anytime. First call is free.