A man knows he has to get out of his marriage, change it, do something. And yet he does nothing; fear cripples him. Is this man you?

This man is divided. He fears the fallout of change but knows he must make change. He works with me. We go deep into his fears. We create a path forward in which he can honor his fears but not be ruled by them.  

When I left my wife, I was in the same boat — crippled in inaction. How could I leave this woman I cared so much about? It was unfathomable.

But then it changed. We sat in the office of a couples’ therapist who we had seen prior. I listened as she elaborated on how good things had become recently.

I sat, stunned, as if we were living on different planets. When it was my turn, I spoke unambiguously.

“I need to move out.”

This was the first I’d spoken of it. Fearful of her reaction, I remained calm. I needed space from my marriage; that was clear to me. I didn’t see any other way.

In five words, I had thrown down a stick of dynamite, seeking to blow a path through a mountain past which I could not see. Once the debris fell back to earth, I would figure out what the new landscape offered me.

I had hoped the therapist would help me manage the fallout but he did not – time was up. My wife was shell-shocked, utterly devastated.

Outside the therapist’s office afterwards, we sat in her car as she revved the engine in neutral. I pulled the keys out of the ignition until she calmed down.

In the moment, I became aware of the delicate balance of compassion and caretaking. Over the next few months, with the assistance of my coach, I did my best to follow the fine thin path.

“Scalpel, scalpel,” he often said. “Not hatchet.”

The scalpel enabled me to meet my fears of completely rupturing my relationship with my wife and son. It enabled me to honor them and make the changes I knew I needed to make.

The scalpel, compared to the hatchet, was much slower, more delicate, required more attention and intention. It was the fine thin path of in between.

It meant honoring my wife and son as well as moving forward as I needed to. It meant honoring continued connection and separation.

Over the next year, my wife and I did weekly check-ins and family dinners with our son. It became a sacred space that we could rely on, enabling connection and separation.

We practiced courageous heartfelt communication in a pre-established container with strong agreements – a practice I strongly recommend for any couple experiencing distress in their relationship.

I could be true to myself and good to my family. Still, the path was often murky. But with the guidance of a powerful coach, I found my way. I saw paths I did not know existed.

Two plus years after the therapist’s visit, we left our marriage. We knew we were no longer growing together buy dying. Still, we worked hard to maintain a relationship, to honor our son, a business, and one another.

Today, we continue to run that business together. We continue to parent together. We continue to appreciate the care and love we once had for one another.

Many men don’t know the fine thin path of the scalpel is available to them.  They can’t see the shades of gray in between save or leave their marriage.

A man can honor the love of his family and his need to reconfigure his marriage.