Every week I talk to guys with some version of this experience.

I’ve been married to my wife for x number of years. I do A and she wants me to do B.

I ask her what she wants of me and she says I should just know. After so many years together, I still don’t know what she wants from me.

And then he´s left asking himself…

What does she want from me? And why won’t she say?

In the absence of knowing, I see two primary reactions from men.

The first guy says screw it and checks out. He tries to work as much as possible and just not deal with her.

He looks to get his needs met elsewhere in one or more ways. Overworking, drinking too much, smoking a lot of pot, excessive porn, hours of online poker, or seducing another woman. He´s the escaper.

The second guy takes it to heart. He tries really hard to be the guy his wife wants him to be. He does everything he can to try to make her happy. He´s the ass-kisser.

He over-commits and under-delivers, making things worse.

Which guy are you, the escaper or the ass-kisser?

Consider it for a moment. It’s not so much to call you out but to give you more information so you can do something about it.

Personally, I was the ass-kisser. I tried to listen to what my wife wanted from me. I listened and listened. And after a while, I thought, jeez, all she wants me to do is listen, what the hell’s the point?

And then I’d flip into the escaper. My fix was spirituality. I’d meditate a lot and do a ton of personal growth work to avoid my misery.

Ultimately, I was a dude stuck between escaping my marriage and trying to up my game.

It took me years to realize I was in a terrible inner war between these two parts of me. I was squeezed like a lemon in the middle, bitter and eventually without any juice.

Do you also feel trapped in your marriage?

If so, know this. Both strategies, escape and ass-kiss, have the same endgame. That is to make your partner´s unhappiness go away with the hope that then things could just be ok.

I recently coached a guy named Tim, a hot-shot commercial developer. Big performer. As in eight and nine-figure deals. As if that´s not stressful enough.

He´d work a 12-hour day, get home, clean the house and prepare dinner for his wife to ensure it was ready when she came home. He thought she had one foot out the door and he so desperately wanted her to stay.

“How long can you keep that up?” I asked him.

“It lasted two weeks.”

“No shit. That’s pretty good.”

“Screw you,” he said, knowing I was having fun with him. Humor is helpful in such moments.

“She’s dealing with a lot of stress right now at work and I just wanted to make things easier for her.”

“Great thought,” I said. “But shitty strategy.”

And so I asked Tim…

What if instead of martyring yourself you could just know what she wants?

For a lot of men, they fear the answer. It might be something they don´t like. Something that hits at the heart of their fear of rejection. So they don´t ask.

Instead, they spend years, escaping or ass-kissing.

When Tim asked me how to stop the pattern, I said something not so terrible that still infuriated him.

“Just be who you want to be with her.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

I paused. And as he exhaled, Tim admitted something unnerving.

“I don´t know who that is.”

I nodded, empathizing with him, then said, “The good thing is the man you want to be is the same guy that she wants you to be.”

He tipped his head forward, encouraging me to say more. And we got into it.

Over the course of the next several months, I helped Tim become the guy his wife wanted him to be. And that was not the man who kissed his wife´s ass to get her to stay. It was another guy.

Check out that guy in the 3-minute video below.

Tim quickly learned that the ass-kisser was a guy who his wife couldn´t trust. She knew he´d eventually disappear. And sure enough, after two weeks, he did.

But inside of Tim, there was another guy busting to come out. He’d always been there but Tim, having allowed his wife to hijack his self-confidence, didn´t know how to access him.

It was the guy who his wife wanted him to be but wouldn´t say. A guy who Tim also wanted to be.

And once he became that guy, he could achieve his ultimate goal, which wasn´t just to make his wife´s unhappiness go away. It was something deeper underneath that.

It was to be a guy who could finally just relax and enjoy his wife.

Do you want to relax in your marriage and just enjoy your wife?

If so, do like Tim did, a simple step. Shoot me a quick email to have a conversation guaranteed to get you a major “AHA” so you can relax in your marriage and enjoy your wife.

And if you’re not ready to chat, but are tired of scrolling through free internet content and youtube videos, check out The Men’s Relationship School. For half and likely less of your monthly energy bill, you’ll get…

• Three weekly live calls per month with me. Have your relationship questions answered.
• A group of guys to walk with you, so you don’t go it alone. A huge thing we guys miss.
• Books & resources to up your game, so you get new reframes & ideas.
• Action items to move you forward to where you want to be in your relationship.
• Audio recordings of prior calls to revisit key concepts & for days when you can’t make a call.

And if you´re not ready to take action and just want information, check out my free men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men.