“She’s amazing. I feel so alive when I’m with her. And the sex is great,” he says.

Someone listening might think, That’s great. So what’s the problem?

But I know Johnathan’s story. He was married for many years. He fears giving himself away like he did with his ex-wife.

He wants to be in a relationship but he fears how much his new partner wants from him… Commitment, consistency, and cherishing.

“Don’t you want some of those things as well?” I ask him.

He pauses, thinks about it, and nods his head.

“So what’s the problem?” I say, laughing inside at the irony of my words.

“I fear losing myself to her,” he says. “She’s already spoken about what it could mean to move in together and we’ve been dating for three months.”

“And… what did you say to her?”

“I just listened.” He looks up for a moment, then continues. “I fear I’m deceiving her. I’m not telling her how I really feel. How I need to take it slow. How I don’t even know if I’ll be in New York come fall.”

He’s thinking of moving across the country for a job.

“So what do you want – a committed partner or a new job?” I ask.

His brow furrows, clearly uncomfortable.

“Don’t answer,” I say. “That was a setup. That’s the polarity you’ve created for yourself. Do you see that? It feels like a confining box, doesn’t it?” He nods. “I want to encourage you otherwise. Go bigger. Beyond duality. Take the fine thin path.”

“The what?” he says.

“The middle way, the third way, the way where you can see beyond the options that you perceive to be in front of you. There’s so much more happening in this moment. Underneath these seemingly dual options.”

He closes his eyes. A moment later, he says, “You’re right. I don’t have to put myself in a box. I appreciate you saying that. And yet I wonder, why I do that? I want relationship. And I want freedom. I want her. And I fear her.”

Johnathan’s is not a unique story. It’s my own as well and common with my clients. We want love AND freedom. Security AND mystery. We are with someone amazing AND yet it’s not enough.

We wonder…

• Am I crazy?
• Why do I contradict myself so much?
• How do I share my truths when they change so much?

Let’s face it, we’re humans. We’re complex beings. But we have not been raised to accommodate our complexity in love relationships, or life at all, for that matter.

We are told we need to be consistent, have it all figured out, and know what we seek. But who really fits into that box? And yet we demand it of one another.

He says one thing one day and does another the next day.

Ever hear that before? Why does this happen so often?

The problem is our framework. We seek consistency but we often confuse it with linearity. The difference is consistency can hold variation whereas linearity cannot.

Consistency results when we reconcile our own internal contradictions. Linearity cannot hold those contradictions.

Consider the dance of relationship in the song lyrics I recently wrote.

Hold me close, let me go
We’re running fast, We’re walking slow
Pull me in, push me out

Making love, taking space
Holding tight, letting go
Open up, close it down

When we hold a bigger container for relationship, we can be consistent in the dance. We can hold variation, contradiction, and a vaster arena for one another.

And the most effective way to do it, is through… and yes, this sounds trite… but when we’re in fear, we don’t even know it’s an option. It is simply…Kindness.

Kindness to ourselves. To our partner.

Kindness through patience. Through being with fear. Through loving ourselves and our partner, in uncertainty, in the unknown.

The unknown of…

…if you’re in or out.
…if your partner can meet your needs.
…if you’ll get past a relational crossroads.

Kindness is inquiry. “I love you and I need to know more. What are asking of me?”

It’s a stance of curiosity and openness to the unravelling. With presence and deep listening.

In kindness, we learn to hold seemingly opposing emotions. We release fear, judgement, and attachment to outcome. We release self-judgment in the face or our contradictions.

We get bigger to hold what would otherwise tear us apart. We put an end to the war in ourselves.

We step into our sovereignty, our ability to be in integrity with our authentic desires and needs, knowing that every relational road bump informs us further of who we are.

We begin to understand that we control very little but influence nearly everything.

Johnathan wants freedom and love but in order to accommodate both, he can’t confine himself in the box of either. Love thrives on freedom. And freedom is often expanded through confinement.

Johnathan works with his fears – of moving too fast, losing his dreams, and sacrificing his life for a woman. And in time, he learns to be kind with himself, to think, grow and be bigger.

Is the same true for you? Do you need a bigger arena for love?

Check out these 8 Values of Sovereign Relationship now.

Dig it? Remember... it's only fair to share.