There’s this dynamic I see often between couples.

She nags. He gets angry.

She feels like she’s with a child. He feels like he’s with his mother.

She doesn’t trust him with little things. He placates her by doing what he can.

She wants him to be more responsive. He wants to run.

And in the space between, they lose each another. This is what I call “the unlived life of a couple.”

It’s the secret life they don’t live. The hidden world they harbor inside. Often it’s quiet, a barely audible whisper that says in the middle of the night – “You’re on your own.”

It can be a moment of terror. To feel completely alone while in relationship.

It’s an environment where dreams are unspoken. Hard truths often kept behind closed doors. And eruptions rise to the surface.

It keeps a couple in a quasi-zombie state. They don’t talk to each other. They report. “How was your day? Did you get the milk?”

It hums along with unspoken thoughts of, I wish she was more like…. I wish he was more like…

Inspiration and energy get lost to getting through the day to day.

Some couples keep cruising along. It works. It serves its purpose. It’s safe. And often they feel dead inside.

Others explode. Anything may happen – adultery, alcoholism, drugs, pornography.

And others get help. They look at themselves. They realize they have lost each other.  They realize they have lost who they are as individuals.

They seek to recover their coupledom. But first they know they must recover a sense of self. To know who they are, what they want, what they need.

To ask, is there still congruence in the relationship?  Do we still share the same dreams, hopes, and desires for a future together?

This is a terrifying moment. Just by asking, one wonders, Will I lose him? Will I lose her? Will I be alone forever?

The mere thought of being alone shocks one’s entire nervous system. It evokes a primal physical and biochemical reaction of losing one’s “tribe of two.

And here begins the hero’s journey. To step in. To seek support. To cultivate allies and mentors. To hire a coach or therapist. To seek out a support group. To not go it alone.

If you have ever hit this moment, or if you are there now, whether you stay or go, realize this. You have an enormous opportunity in front of you. You get to look at you.

To walk into the arena of who you are, what you want, and what you need. This is called self-relationship. To enhance your self-relationship to strengthen your relational compass – your ability to see the other.

You can do this at any time in relationship. You don’t just have to be at the breaking point. But most of us won’t do it until then. Why bother? We think.

Strong, loving, healthy relationship is built on a foundation of two individuals, attuned to their own authentic identity, needs, and wants, and communicating consistently with one another. Not taking it for granted that the other knows.

One who knows him or herself – his triggers, wounds, gifts, and strengths. One who sees him or herself, enabling him or her to better see his partner.  To be able to say in any moment, I never want to stop you from being you, even if that means losing you.

It’s a tall order. I know. I went through it. I asked myself, 18 years into marriage, is there another iteration of this relationship that we can step into? Or not?  And I’ve asked these questions in other relationships since, as well.

It’s hard but when navigated well, it offers never before realized gifts of aliveness, strength, and maturity.

We break apart, only to have to rebuild our selves. We learn to accept all parts of one’s self – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Relationship is a union of energy – physical, emotional, and much more. Do we give up parts of our self to be in it or do we integrate those parts into new versions of who we are?

A bit of both, I would say.

What do you think?  Comment below. I’d love to hear from you.

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Check out the video below to hear me speak to some of the points above.

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