Nate has reached his breaking point. He’s fed up.

He crushes it as a CEO of a tech company by day. But can’t control his wife.

“Goddamnit she’s gonna give it to me. I’m sick of this crap.”

Nate’s Scottish complexion goes red.

“I hear your emotion, Nate,” I say. “But how would you feel if somebody were saying those words to you?

“Repulsed.”

Do you sometimes feel like you want to demand sex from your wife?

“Get in touch with the emotion behind the words,” I offer Nate.

He nods, goes quiet. “Pissed off.”

“Trapped?” I offer.

“Absolutely,” he says.

Nate describes feeling like he’s in an elevator with the doors closing in on him, one foot in the elevator, the other out.

A man who doesn’t know if he should get off at what floor.

A man who doesn’t know where he’s going – up or down.

What’s the point of staying married if your wife shuts down sex?

I offer Nate the chance to connect with the trapped feeling, the anger, the sense of feeling small.

“Where’s it stem? Come from?” I say.

“It’s her,” he says.

Sure, she’s got a part in this. But he has to get to the core, his wound, his neediness, his unfulfilled needs. Nate is stuck in his own trap of blame.

“It’s one thing to be needy and another to have unfulfilled needs,” I say to him.

Nate nods his head. But he’s still fixated on her.

What if she still says no?

“More than focusing on her yes or no focus on this,” I say. “Will you be OK if she says no?”

A pause. He considers it. “Well I guess I’ve been OK up until now.”

I’m not so sure he has been.

Do you feel needy with your wife when it comes to sex?

When you’re needy, you’re fragile. You diminish your resilience in the face of rejection.

With resilience comes strength. This is the foundation of improving your sexual relationship.

“So, I should be ok not getting it?”

“Yes.”

“What the hell good are you?” he says.

“Good question. Nate, I’m offering a long-game strategy into sexual confidence. Your short-game strategy of neediness and demands hasn’t gotten you what you want. Has it?”

He nods. “So now what?”

“Think about what’s at stake here.”

Nate looked at me, spoke about his kids, his love of his family, his home, and the love that he still has for his wife.

“Seems kind of childish to stake all that on my cock,” he says.

“Yes. And you have unfulfilled needs. Let’s honor both. Your family and your needs.”

Nate digs in with me for the next 6 weeks. He’s willing to play a long game. Are you?

Discover how you can play the long game of sexual confidence in your relationship.

Sexual confidence is not built in a day.

It’s not “I got lucky.”

Not “I got laid.”

It’s “I am willing to confront the challenges ahead of me and give it my best shot with strength, resilience, and wise strategies.”

We essentially have to re-program ourselves as men.

That’s what Nate did – built resilience, confidence, and reconfigured how he approached sex with his wife.

For men and women going through big transitions in life and relationship, check out my in-person Metamorphosis Retreat in Asheville, North Carolina November 3-5 with my colleague Sarah Haggerty.

Or join me and Sarah on Wed, Oct 18, 7-8pm ET for Navigating Life Transitions, a FREE one-hour online workshop.

Not a group guy and prefer to talk 1:1? Shoot me a quick email.